Fewer reblogs, more.. me.

So basically, I've been really caught up with being in awe of other people's talents. Whether it be creative writing, or music, or art, or design-- I always seem to be focusing on them. I guess this, right here, is my "me" time. I have a midterm tomorrow but I feel like I haven't written anything too honest about myself for a while, not even in my journal. I just need to pull some things together, back into focus, in order to put my whole being together. This is gonna be hard, but bear with me. In fact, stop reading, & check out the blogs on my Blog List. There's tons of goodies there.

First thing that came into my mind-- Relationships. No, not the lovey-dovey ones. Just relationships in general. I'm still trying to hold on to many of them, while making many more. How do you attempt to strengthen years' worth of friendships in one aspect of your life, then be expected to start back at square one in another? My days are occupied with switching back & forth between two different worlds. I feel like I don't give myself completely when I'm in either of them. I don't focus. I don't appreciate. I'm just ... there. I try working on everything simultaneously when in reality I should be taking it step by step, one by one. It's a work in progress but I think every consecutive conversation with an acquaintance helps. I feel better. Every joke, every agreement, every counterargument, every "hello," every giggle, every "goodbye" -- they mean something. No, I'm not saying that you should attach yourself immediately. I do (& I don't) have trust issues. I'm an open book but only selectively. It's odd, but I determine it all by the vibe I receive upon encounter.

Fact: I am jealous of those who live in both worlds with ease.

Hm. Perhaps I just feel set apart. The whole "alone in a crowded room" feeling. I feel close yet far away. In a nutshell, it sucks. I'm gonna reiterate my AIM profile & say that my heart is screaming & I don't know how to make it shut up. There's nothing wrong physically, but it really feels like my heart just wants to pop out & give up. It's trippy. Very trippy. Sort of like bad intuition. Bad intuition is trippy. However, I appreciate deja vu. Deja vu is trippy-- but in the coolest, trippiest way possible. I love deja vu & people do not understand why. Perhaps it's because of the fact that it's the closest you will get to reliving a moment. TRIPPY.

Anyways, I still feel sick to my stomach. I feel like crying, but I can't. & I won't. I refuse to cry for no reason. At least, none that I consciously know of. I am excited for the day of relief. These things don't come easy; life isn't easy. Just another bridge to jump over. Yes, jump. Maybe run... but I'm quite tired these days. Especially with my restless heart.



P.S. Today, I realized that I have very nice penmanship.