Where is my home? My home resides in Southern California. Wonderful place, wonderful people. They say that “home is where the heart is.” If that’s true, then I suppose that I’ve told you an indirect lie. Where does my heart reside? I honestly don’t know.
The last couple of days have been wonderful; I’ve spent an adequate amount of time with family, friends, and even friends of friends… who eventually became friends. Well, acquaintances. But that’s definitely better than strangers. It’s become so natural for me to adjust to the environment— to be open enough to appear friendly, but concealed enough to make room for further acquaintance. There came a point in my life when I had already been read front to back by others, and yet, I was comfortable because my thoughts about them were alike in that aspect. That chapter of my life is sadly over. Stepping back & reviewing my place in the instances of these last days, I’ve come to realize that I haven’t felt completely comfortable with people outside of family in a long time. It’s unnerving watching friends as they turn to each other, laugh, make plans, and ultimately turn to you with the undeniable look on their face, expressing that maybe, maybe, they should be inviting you, too. So, they do. You know, just to be polite because even they know that you’re a bit out of place. You humbly refuse but they insist. So, you say yes.
I can’t count the number of times this has happened already. In a desperate cry to feel like I belong, I only hope to find the set of people who will gradually fulfill my need of self-worth in accordance with a somewhat oblivious mind.
Or, you know, it could just be me. Perhaps I just miss feeling an equal amount of dependence on the other side of the line.
Kbye.
I know whatcha mean. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore just being completely comfortable around other people. These days, I don't even know if I have close/best friends. There are people I consider best friends, but honestly it'd be nice to have even just one person that could be my regular; my constant. Kinda reminded me of this one entry I read on tumblr...
ReplyDelete"I miss having someone that I could talk to for hours on end; someone I could talk to about anything and everything. If we ever sat in silence it would be a comfortable silence, none of that awkward shit. I want some human contact instead of communicating through texts and instant messaging. I wish I had someone that I could call up to ask them meet at our favorite kick it spot so that we could talk about whatever is running through our minds. Mm, I miss having a best friend.
://EDIT
I know I wrote about this earlier, but is it really too much to ask to have someone that can hold a conversation with me? I need someone that wants to pick my brain and let’s me pick their brain. I want someone that will tell me when they don’t agree with me and tell me their reasons why. Yet, they’re respect my views and I’ll respect their views. Know what I mean?! "