Reflection.

I'm not exactly sure about what I'll be talking about in the next few paragraphs, so forgive me if you get lost in the process of reading this.

This afternoon, I had an appointment with my college counselor. I had made the appointment about 2 weeks prior to today because I'd hate to think that I've wasted my time taking classes I don't need. I need reassurance. My first visit was overwhelming, but it helped, thus I was hoping that this time would be the same.

Yesterday, I received a call from my college. I was studying at the time, so I didn't hear it, but I caught it just in time to see that a voicemail was left afterwards. It was an automated machine reminding me about today's appointment. "To repeat this message, press __. To cancel your appointment, press __. To end this call, hang up."

To cancel your appointment...

To be honest, it was tempting to cancel the appointment altogether. It all boils down to the fact that I hate talking about my future. Every tiny decision I've ever made in college thus far has scared me to death, for fear that a wrong choice would cause everything to crash down-- my education, my time, my future. Even though it's a community college, I'd still hate to think that I'm wasting my parents' money on something I don't even need, or on something that will just stress them out even more. I'm also afraid of not being good enough-- of being unfortunate... of failing.

Failing. Gosh, so harsh. Our whole lives, we are told to not fail. To always succeed, to remain on top. To be called a failure would be tragic. Perhaps, however, we've just been conditioned to avoid it, mainly as motivation. I don't know. I don't know at all. But I do know is that I refuse to become a failure. I'm gonna get through... but, the fact that I'm allowing a dab of possibility to attack me, worries me. I get frustrated with myself. "What if I choose the wrong classes? What if I don't get accepted to my transfer college? What if I don't make it into the program?" I really get disgusted with myself sometimes. In an environment that is set on helping me achieve my goals, I destroy it by destroying myself. My mind's in a constant battle with itself, going back and forth with thoughts of both failure and success. I really need to turn things around and just focus on success. I need to tell myself that I deserve this. That I can do this. Because... well, I can.

At my very last effort to cancel my appointment, I decided to suck it up and just go. I mean, this would relieve more stress during the registration process, anyway. That's when I freak out the most.

The appointment went well; not only did he tell me about what I achieved, but also about what I am going to achieve. He went beyond my plan for next semester, and took it to the rest of my semesters at this school. Not gonna lie, it doesn't seem so far. Transferring sounds so easy. I've already gotten credit for all my classes this past year (with decent grades that I'm quite proud of) and I just need to repeat what I've been doing, and I'll be meeting with him again in October to complete and submit my applications as a transfer student. I'll be meeting with him again in February to prepare myself for the results and to check up on how I've been handling myself in my classes. By March 2010, I'll hopefully have an acceptance letter in the mail and perhaps I'll be in the program by that fall. Crazy.

Everything sounds so easy, but I know that it's really not. I've worked really hard this semester; I've done a lot more studying outside of home, a lot more time to myself, and a lot less time seeing people I would love to see, and for what? My future. There are so many sacrifices, but in those rare moments during which I can finally breathe-- those are the moments I love the most. That's when I realize how blessed I am, to have come this far with so many obstacles. With or without the support I wanted, I'm here. I'm/I have been at the top of many of my classes (or close to! dangit.), and I must say, it feels really rewarding. I've learned plenty about my goals and limitations, the way I interact with people, and the way people interact altogether. I guess I've grown this year. (Aww..)

I really have no one else to thank but God Himself. I mean, He put me in this situation from the very beginning. If you really knew me, you'd know my story about college. I wasn't even suppose to go to this school. I wasn't supposed to transfer to that school. I wasn't supposed to take those classes. I wasn't supposed to apply to that school. Basically, it was one big mess, but God had a plan. & I see more of it everyday.

I'm blessed, I really am. I can't imagine what life would've been like if I hadn't taken this path. Not only have I grown (okay, not physically, but YOU KNOW... Shut up!), but I've met so many people that I would have NEVER had the time to meet if I didn't let God lead me. I would have NEVER built the friendships that I've built, nor would I have gained the self-confidence that I've gained. Everyday, I want to improve... in everything. Everyday I want to do better in school, everyday I want to sing better, everyday I want to play better guitar/piano, everyday I want to eat healthier, everyday I want to strengthen my relationship with my parents (although with that last blog post, it wouldn't seem like it, but I do, I promise.), everyday I want to strengthen my relationship with my brother, everyday I want to create more art, everyday I want to read more books, everyday I want to become more of a leader, everyday I want to grow more and more closer to my Savior. And, I'm proud to say...

I'm doing it. Everyday, I see myself becoming better than who I was yesterday.





.... I've completely zoned out, but I've written enough. More than enough. You get what I mean.... Hopefully. :) Until next time, I pray that whoever is reading this right now will become even the sliiightest bit inspired to be more than who they were yesterday. It takes a lot of prayer, and a lot of effort, but as I told.. someone.. Shoots, who was it? Hm. Well, I once told someone that ... it's not worth it if you're not working for it.

& that's that.